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05 May 2008 @ 07:44 pm
Giles: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Apocalypse(s)  
Well gosh, the time has come again for the latest installment of The Very Secret Diaries...on the Hellmouth! 
Authors: visualthinker11  and myself.
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, etc.
Feedback: Yes, please!  Um, we didn't get very much for Xander.  Hello?  Are you guys still out there?

Day One
Dear Watchers,
Slayer: not here at the moment.
Vampires: here.
Slayerettes: still alive.

Day Two
Dear Watchers,
Slayer: present and accounted for!
Also present: zombies.  (Bloody Americans...)

Day Three
Dear Watchers,
Right now you're all probably roasting marshmallows in the Cotswolds. In case you forgot, I like marshmallows v. much. AND I also have been known to enjoy a hike. Did I forget to mention the hiking to anyone?

Slayer: perhaps a tad bitter at appearance of new slayer (Kendra's replacement--was there a memo?)
Me: NOT making a clucking sound with my tongue.

Day Four
Dear Watchers,
Could be the near death experiences or the tranquilizer in my hip speaking, but might it be time to amend the insurance policy?

Day Five
Dear Watchers,
It may be the head trauma speaking, but the health care leaves something to be desired.

Day Six
Dear Wankers,
Why are you reading this? Can't get your thrills elsewhere?  Sod off!
(Slayer's mum is bloody hot, especially with handcuffs.)

Day Seven
Dear Watchers,
Slayer: recalcitrant.
Local cold-blooded killers who find chainsaw torture a cute hobby: plus one.

Later...

Other Slayer: also recalcitrant.
Gwendolyn Post: not a Watcher.  Also dead.  Where was that memo?  Am I still on the mailing list???

Day Eight
Dear Watchers,
Slayer: smarter than I thought. V. proud.  Could go far--we'll talk logistics later.
Me: going on a hiking retreat of my own! Ha!

Day Nine
Dear Watchers,
Events that transpired in Sunnydale while on hiking retreat: reappearance of Spike.  Xander received internal (and external) bleeding from Spike-induced head wound.  Magic shop trashed in fight with most local vampires.  Cordelia hospitalized for spike (not Spike) through stomach.  Every single teenager in Sunnydale breaks up with their significant other.

Perhaps there's a reason I don't go on retreats...

Day Ten
Dear Watchers,
Slayer having shared dreams with vampire.  Odd.  I really ought to get Christmas off, don't you think?

Day Eleven
Dear Watchers,
Could use a hand with this MOO problem...despite its heart-wrenching tale of one boy's struggle against adult expectations, My Friend Flicka is frustratingly unhelpful in the Fight Against Evil.

Day Twelve
Dear Watchers,
Slayer: turning 18.
Me: giving her the worst birthday present ever.
Explain to me again the purpose of this exercise--we do want the Slayer to kill the vampire, right?

Day Thirteen
Dear Watchers,
Bloody hell.  Now what do I do?  Be a high school librarian for the rest of my life?  I was the curator of the British Museum!  I didn't get a PhD to watch adolescents ignore great literature and make bad jokes about how I'm "too British for words." Blast.  

Day Fourteen
Well...new journal (no bloody council to address all the time), new me...good lord, what am I doing?

Oh wait, an apocalypse... something I'm familiar with...

Day Fifteen
Good Lord, first I'm fired, effectively sentenced to a career at Sunnydale High, and now I'm saddled with this Wyndam-Pryce fellow. Could he be any more insufferable???!

Later...

Yes, he could.  Squealed like a little girl.  I, on the other hand, remained very cool and collected.  Things looking up.  At this rate will achieve coolness before Xander.

Day Sixteen
Think time away from council has heightened my observational skills. Noticed, for example, Buffy correct in assuming Faith rather crazy.  If she had to kill a man just to watch him die, could've at least done so in Reno.

Day Seventeen
That old mystical contact came in handy today. Should do more matchmaking.

Oh, and Faith's evil.

Day Eighteen
Buffy psychic.  And in bad mood--keeps muttering derogatory comments about my fashion sense.

Day Nineteen
Buffy wants to leave Sunnydale (no idea why).  Bit inconsiderate of her--what am I supposed to do in her absence, shelve books?

Day Twenty
Buffy could be a little less enthusiastic about this school formal. While I'm sure she'll enjoy herself, I'm going to be stuck babysitting Wesley as he ogles Cordelia. Joy.

Besides, I was lying; I would look horrible in taffeta.

Day Twenty-One
Mayor to be commencement speaker at Graduation--first time ceremony may actually be interesting.

Day Twenty-Two
Oz keeps muttering about chickpeas.  Buffy has plan.  Secretly have v. bad feeling about this.

Later...

Xander key to Buffy's plan.

The Earth is doomed.

Day Twenty-Three

Buffy's plan worked! Knew it would, of course. Have been gifted with v. smart, college-bound slayer. What more could an ex-watcher, ex-librarian need in his life?

Besides a library. Or girlfriend. Or job.

Blast.
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{¯`·._.·Kitten·._.·´¯}: Geek catnot_purrrfect on May 6th, 2008 01:35 am (UTC)
That's really clever. I enjoyed it.

Edited at 2008-05-06 01:36 am (UTC)
something clever: witchshah_of_blah on May 6th, 2008 06:28 am (UTC)
Thank you! We're glad you enjoyed it :)
doctordiehard: headmanchdoctordiehard on May 6th, 2008 02:38 am (UTC)
Hee hee!
something clever: peachy keenshah_of_blah on May 6th, 2008 06:30 am (UTC)
Yay laughter! A very good sign.
Fairygothmumfairygothmum on May 6th, 2008 08:03 am (UTC)
I'm glad I finished my coffee *before* I read this. Great fun, totally love your Giles voice.
visualthinker11 / radio_silent: btvs- visualthinker11 on May 6th, 2008 01:46 pm (UTC)
thank you! we worked v. hard to make sure he was british enough. ; )
athenamuze: Tweedathenamuze on May 6th, 2008 12:46 pm (UTC)
"If she had to kill a man just to watch him die, could've at least done so in Reno."

This bit was particularly fantastic, but loved the whole thing. Thanks for this!
visualthinker11 / radio_silent: veronica mars- circlevisualthinker11 on May 6th, 2008 01:47 pm (UTC)
ooh, did you catch our secret veronica mars reference? (that is actually a secret veronica mars reference...)

thank *you* for the feedback!
something clever: jayeshah_of_blah on May 6th, 2008 01:54 pm (UTC)
...it is? (just in the sense that vm uses the reno line, cuz i'm sure they've used the reno line, or was there something else?)
visualthinker11 / radio_silent: veronica mars- cute detectivevisualthinker11 on May 6th, 2008 02:17 pm (UTC)
um, yes, secret and rather small. but it does refer to vm!

Veronica (playing 2 truths and a lie): Okay. I'm Veronica. I'm from Neptune, and I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
Dean: Oh, how'd that go?
Veronica: It was a bit of a letdown.
athenamuzeathenamuze on May 6th, 2008 10:03 pm (UTC)
Yeah I do remember that, but it really struck a chord (ha) because of the song (where VM nabbed it from in the first place). Either way, a great line, and there's a few other real gems there too (like the Band Candy entry, hee). And the references back to your other diaries are v. fun. ;)
toothpasted on May 8th, 2008 12:05 am (UTC)
"Xander key to Buffy's plan.

The Earth is doomed."

this made me happy.
visualthinker11 / radio_silentvisualthinker11 on May 8th, 2008 01:42 am (UTC)
we live to bring joy!
(or, um, at least humor?)
Lilylavastar on August 7th, 2008 09:55 pm (UTC)
Aaaaah! More of the tradition o' win! Squee!

Aside from major Giles humor (and taffeta, and Wesley, and Joyce, and hiking) I love how these all connect so it's like an in-joke. An in-joke that I'm in on, too! Those are the best kind.

Also, I cannot get over how hilarious the thought of Spike through Cordelia's stomach is. Spike: What the hell is going on? Cordelia: Well, this is awkward.

Um, right. Uh, good job. Right then.
visualthinker11 / radio_silent: btvs- season 8 (new identity)visualthinker11 on August 8th, 2008 11:44 pm (UTC)
Haha, I think that's another fic entirely. Another, possibly even stranger fic (but no less funny).
Lilylavastar on August 9th, 2008 12:12 am (UTC)
It would definitely make for a very cracky fic. I think it would involve some sort of props lackey for Buffy screwing up and being like "Hmm, so they want a spike to put through Cordelia's stomach...wait a minute, they must mean the character named Spike, right? Oh, I'm so hip and knowledgeable! wait why are we putting a vampire through someone's stomach... OH WELL!" It could be great.
visualthinker11 / radio_silent: btvs- season 8 (new identity)visualthinker11 on August 9th, 2008 03:27 am (UTC)
You know the buffy prop guys would probably try it... if only because they must have gotten asked such weird things.
Also, I heard somewhere that they were very cool... like all the blindfolds on drusilla's dolls were their idea. Total genius.
Lilylavastar on August 10th, 2008 04:50 pm (UTC)
Huh, that's cool. I liked the blindfolds on Dru's dolls a lot - it was a nice touch.
dragonflylady77: Heedragonflylady77 on September 12th, 2008 01:58 pm (UTC)
At this rate will achieve coolness before Xander.
Hmm are you sure??

Very very Giles and hilarious. Loved it!
visualthinker11 / radio_silent: btvs- bffsvisualthinker11 on September 13th, 2008 06:56 pm (UTC)
Thank you! (And yes, I am going to spam your comments with much thanks, because you deserve it for replying to nearly every entry!)
cmk418: BtVS - Gilescmk418 on April 8th, 2009 12:32 am (UTC)
This is brilliant! Quite hilarious. I especially loved Day Six and Day Fifteen. Great work!

I'm saving this to memories.
sl_podcast: NPH & Elmosl_podcast on May 28th, 2011 07:19 pm (UTC)
Hi guys! This one is up on Strangely Literal! Thanks so much for letting us perform it!

http://www.strangelyliteral.com/2011/05/strangely-literal-episode-106-%E2%80%93-very-secret-diaries-giles-buffy/
something clever: jon stewartshah_of_blah on May 31st, 2011 04:27 am (UTC)
Thank YOU! I think I speak for both visualthinker11 and myself when I say that we LOVE this!
sl_podcast: jossdsl_podcast on May 31st, 2011 05:37 am (UTC)
Yay! So.. when is there going to be more VSD?!